


Enlightenment

by Isabeau_Gower



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Angst, Birthday, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-01
Updated: 2007-04-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 08:45:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeau_Gower/pseuds/Isabeau_Gower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuuko has been teaching her new assistant about balance and payment of debts for services rendered, so what happens when a recurring dream prompts Watanuki to examine his one sided relationship with Doumeki more closely?  Watanuki has a tendency to react in over the top ways to situations he faces and this is no exception.  As he stands on the precipice of a new relationship with his friend, will Watanuki's choices lead to good things or disaster?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Choosing a Path

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fanfiction. Xxxholic and its characters are the creation and property of CLAMP. No infringement of rights is intended and I derive no profit from this work.

“Doumeki Shizuka.”

The name seemed to reverberate off of the apartment walls as Watanuki Kimihiro bolted upright in his bed and tried to shake away the last of his dream. It had happened again, this replaying of memories that had been haunting his sleep.

It always played out exactly the same way each time. It would begin at the home of Yuuko’s fortune teller and he could hear the kindly old woman’s voice clearly as the pendulum sketched Yuuko’s butterfly in the sand.

“There is a friend of yours who you always get into fights with. You’ll find yourself thrown together more and more in the future.”

Then Watanuki would see himself at school and he could hear Himawari’s voice pointing out how well Doumeki always paid attention to the things Watanuki said before she commented, once again, on what good friends they were…

Watanuki would see the image of Yuuko’s store and hear her talking about affinities and connections and fate as she reclined on her lounge and smoked her pipe.

The scene would change again and this time he would see images of Doumeki: standing in the temple during the ghost story party and holding the antique bow; catching him as angel-san threw him over the roof and continuing to hold onto him despite the vicious, bloody attack on his arm; standing in the rain for ten hours holding Himawari’s ribbon so that Watanuki could find his way back from the underworld linked to the poor hydrangea; grabbing the box cutter with his bare hand to stop their possessed classmate from attacking him again; and then, that horrible day in the park when he killed the gentle spirit that was slowly robbing Watanuki of his life. “Get away from him,” Doumeki had shouted just before he took aim and fired the bow. Watanuki watched as she faded into nothingness and then he blacked out.

The darkness is then breached by countless pinpoints of light and Watanuki sees the two of them as they made their way along the ghost walk. He re-watches that remarkable evening when the two of them walked amongst the monsters and gathered the wondrous nectar of the sentient tree into the hozuki that they carried together. It’s Yuuko’s voice that he hears when he sees this image. “Where’s the problem in adopting a custom that is ‘abnormal’ if it has no effect on the world at large?”

Then, just as the last image of the dream would fade to black and sleep gave way to conscious thought, he could hear Yuuko’s distinctive voice laugh and ask, “You don’t bow graciously to fate, do you?”

Every night for the past week he had had the same dream and it frustrated him. Why this? Why now? So many things had changed in his life over the last few years, but Watanuki had consoled himself that even within those incredible changes and bizarre revelations there had always seemed to be a kind of comfortable continuity, at least until this dream came to him from nowhere.

He maintained his own apartment well, school was a source of both pride and routine, Himawari was still dependably sweet, Yuuko and Mokona still tormented and confused him and regularly drank their weight in liquor, and Doumeki still annoyed him.

Watanuki still fumed and complained about Doumeki and Doumeki still insulted him, but something had indeed changed. Watanuki didn’t know when or how, only that it had, and it left him unnerved, unsettled. Worst of all, however, was that now Watanuki was beginning to ask himself that most dangerous of all questions. - Why?

There was no time for questions now, however. Now he had to get ready for school and then head off to Yuuko’s where he would prepare something for her and then the usual box lunch for himself and his friends. Questions would just have to wait until later.

 

*****

 

‘Doumeki Shizuka…’

Shaking his head in a vain attempt to clear his thoughts, Watanuki Kimihiro looked back at his schoolbooks and hoped he would make it through class. Lunch was in just a few minutes and he and Doumeki would be alone today. Ordinarily, Watanuki made enough for the three of them and Himawari would join them for lunch, but today she had announced that she had plans with her girlfriends and so the two boys would be alone.

Watanuki managed to follow the rest of the class and take down the notes that he needed, but not without continually reaching for and rubbing at his right eye.

When the signal finally came announcing the end of class, Watanuki gave a sigh of relief and leaned back in his chair to stretch. His stomach felt funny and he had the beginnings of a headache coming on. Dismissing the fluttering in his stomach as hunger and the headache as too much schoolwork and not enough sleep, Watanuki hefted his enormous bento and thermos and headed for a sunny spot on the school steps.

Though today was only the last day of February, they’d had a strange warm spell lately. It wouldn’t last of course, but everyone was flocking outdoors whenever they could to catch a tiny glimpse of the spring to come.

By the time Watanuki arrived, Doumeki was already leaning against the stone railing and practicing his bored look. “Want a hand?” he asked.

“No,” Watanuki replied, “I have it.” As Watanuki struggled to get a better grip on the furoshiki covering their oversized lunch, he fumbled the tea thermos and watched it roll down the steps and over the ground until it landed against Doumeki’s feet.

“Yes, I see that,” Doumeki retorted dryly.

‘Why did it always go this way?’ Watanuki asked himself as he mutely followed Doumeki to their usual lunch spot and untied the bento. It was as though he couldn’t do anything right in front of Doumeki and then he wondered why that should even matter. Always more questions; no matter what he did, he always ended up with even more questions. ‘It’s like dealing with Yuuko.’

One of the napkins floated out of the box tied into a butterfly shape and smacked Watanuki with its wings. He had to learn to stop thinking so loudly, especially about Yuuko. At least this time, it hadn’t hurt him…much. Grabbing the napkin and stuffing it under a corner of the box before any of his other classmates noticed, Watanuki forced himself to think only about lunch and busied himself unpacking their food.

By the time he finished uncovering all the dishes, Doumeki was already happily stuffing himself with some of the various things that Watanuki had made. As he looked over the bounty he’d brought, Watanuki realized that he had, once again, packed only things that Doumeki said that he enjoyed. Did he ever pack things for Himawari? 

Shaking his head, he tried to itemize a mental laundry list of all the foods he’d prepared for the petite girl in the months since she’d been eating lunch with him. ‘Of course I have’, he thought. He’d made chocolate and little tarts that he remembered she expressly said she enjoyed. Watanuki then realized that he’d never made those things twice. ‘Those were special things for special holidays’, he argued with himself. ‘That doesn’t count.’ 

‘I’m sure there are normal bento items that Himawari is fond of that I make just for her.’ Doing a quick inventory of what he’d brought, Watanuki searched his memories for some clue as to Himawari’s eating habits and realized that while she always seemed to enjoy what he brought, she never remarked on anything in particular and never made any requests. To this day, he still didn’t know what her favorite foods might be.

“Aren’t you going to eat today?” a deep voice asked from his right side. He glanced over to see Doumeki looking at him with such intensity, it made Watanuki start.

“Y-yes, of course I am.” Watanuki managed to stammer out a reply as he dropped his head and searched for his chopsticks. “I’m just looking for my chopsticks.” The excuse sounded lame even to his own ears, but for some reason he just couldn’t bear Doumeki’s stare this afternoon. When a pair of clean chopsticks entered his field of vision, Watanuki didn’t bother to look up or to the side. It was Doumeki handing over his chopsticks, probably from someplace in clear sight. ‘Is this day ever going to get better?’

Muttering an annoyed thank you, Watanuki grabbed at the chopsticks and busied himself gathering a lunch from the many containers in front of him. When it came time to actually eat, though, he found that he had very little appetite and his mind began to wander again.

“Why?”  
Watanuki finally voiced the question that had been looming heavily on his mind for weeks and months now. Why would Doumeki do so much, risk so much…lose so much, just for him?

“Why hand over your chopsticks? Because you said you couldn’t find them,” Doumeki answered.

Out loud? He’d actually asked the question out loud? Watanuki’s heart started to race. Why did this bother him so much? Why couldn’t he put the other man out of his thoughts today? In the throes of desperation, Watanuki overruled his sense of pride and asked the real question on his mind. “Why are you always with me? Taking care of me? Saving me?” There was a short pause while he reached up and touched the brow over his borrowed eye, “Sacrificing so much…for me.”

Doumeki stopped eating and put down his chopsticks and the nearly empty bowl. “Why would you ask that?”

‘Answering a question with a question; this really is like dealing with Yuuko.’ Watanuki glared down at the napkin as if challenging it to move again because of his thoughts. It stayed where it was, but folded itself into a small hand which flew him a middle finger. In a display of childish frustration, Watanuki stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at it. He was angry now and there was only one person here he could really vent that on.

Facing Doumeki once again, Watanuki leaned forward and growled, “Why shouldn’t I ask you what you’re up to. I find it very suspicious that you’re always around. You aren’t asking Yuuko for any favors, you aren’t asking me for anything but lunch. It’s obvious with my condition that I need you but you don’t need me. Are you saving up all of this to ask for something huge in the future? I don’t have much, you know; not nearly as much as you’ve inherited. Why have you suddenly made friends with me? Why on earth would you help your rival?”

“You aren’t my rival,” Doumeki began before he stood up and collected his bag. “Himawari is.”

Watanuki Kimihiro sat on the ground dumbfounded and slack-jawed as Doumeki walked away.

***

 

When the long day was finally over, Watanuki walked out of the front door of the school and spied Himawari across the courtyard where she stood by the gates.

“Himawari, are you leaving now?” he asked after a short run to catch up with her.

“Yes. Are you?”

Watanuki nodded and fell into step at the girl’s side.

“Isn’t Doumeki walking with you today?” she asked innocently.

“I guess not,” he responded flatly.

When Himawari stopped and gave Watanuki an inquiring look, he elaborated.

“I haven’t talked to him since lunch.” The truth was that he hadn’t even seen Doumeki since that time. It was as though the man was actively avoiding him. The two of them argued all the time; what was it that made this time feel so different? “You don’t mind walking with me, do you, Himawari?”

“No, of course not,” she answered as they resumed walking. “It’s just that you seem a little lonely and it seems wrong for Watanuki to walk home without Doumeki since you two are so close.”

“We – we aren’t that close,” Watanuki protested. “Anyway, I’m sure you and Doumeki must have walked home without me before.”

“Hmmm.” Himawari put a finger to her chin and pondered intently. “No, I don’t think I ever have. I’ve had lunch and walked with Watanuki alone, but never with Doumeki. I don’t think I’ve ever been alone with him.”

“What about that time the three of us went to a festival together?” he asked.

“Oh yes. I was alone with Doumeki for a short time until Watanuki arrived. I guess I must have forgotten that you weren’t there because Doumeki spent the whole time we were waiting talking and asking questions about you.” She beamed a smile at him as she remembered the evening.

“Huh?” Watanuki’s jaw fell open.

“Yes. You’re such good friends. It’s very sweet.”

“But, I thought he…I mean…isn’t there someone that you like?” Watanuki wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer, but he forced himself to ask.

“Oh, I like lots of people. There’s you, and Mokona, and-

“No,” Watanuki interrupted. He swallowed loudly. “What I meant was, is there one someone in particular? Do you ever go out with just one of your friends?”

“Well…” Himawari gazed at the sky and thought for a while. “No, I guess I haven’t. Well, except for you.”

Watanuki puffed his chest out with pride and beamed a smile at the girl as they walked.

Then she added, “So, I guess that must mean that there really isn’t anyone in particular that I like.”

Zap. Shot down again.

When they reached the corner where they parted ways, Watanuki waved and watched her walk away before he dropped his smile. While he’d been relieved to hear that Himawari wasn’t interested in Doumeki – he sniffled and whined, ‘oh, why not me?’ – it left him with even more questions than before.

***

 

Maru and Moro met him at the door of Yuuko’s shop as usual and Mokona was quick to spot the still half full bento boxes in his left hand. Not in the mood to argue, he headed for the kitchen and abandoned the leftovers to the ravenous magical creature.

Once he had prepared and chopped the ingredients he needed for the evening meal, Watanuki put them into a slowly simmering stew pot and wandered off to do some housework.

People have a variety of interesting habits when they’re nervous or their minds are working over a serious problem. Some people smoke, some run, others fidget or doodle; Watanuki cleaned and he was currently cleaning with a vengeance.

No speck of dust or smudge of dirt was safe from his cleaning rage and he muttered to himself as he worked. ~stupid~thinking~rival~Doumeki~food~rival~napkin~Himawari~rival~Yuuko

“Yes.” Yuuko’s head popped around the corner and into the room where he worked. “You grumbled for me, Watanuki dear?”

Watanuki jumped a foot into the air. He’d been so intent on venting his frustrations and searching for answers in the dust that his boss’ sudden arrival startled him. Putting one hand over his chest to urge his pounding heart to stay where it was, he answered, “Not for you, about you. Sorry, I’m just not having the best of days today.”

“Why don’t you make us a nice pot of tea? Then we can sit down and you can tell big sister Yuuko all about it.” She patted his shoulder sympathetically as she walked into the room and took a seat.

Watanuki thought about it for a while and decided that he could use a break anyway. Sometimes it helped to talk through a problem with a friend. Even if they couldn’t think of a solution, sometimes the very act of saying things aloud could jar your own mind and thoughts into place.

“Alright,” he answered and started out of the room. 

“Oh, Watanuki dear,” Yuuko called out as he turned the corner in the hall. “Make mine sake instead, would you?”

Watanuki rolled his eyes. So much for his understanding friend. In the end, Yuuko really just wanted an excuse to drink.

He returned a few minutes later with a small bottle of sake for Yuuko and a large cup of green tea for himself.

“You muttered the word rival several times in and amongst your ravings. What was that all about?” Yuuko took a drink of her sake and smiled appreciatively at the taste before holding her cup out at Watanuki.

Dutifully, he picked up the little bottle and refilled her cup.

“Doumeki said something to me today and it didn’t make any sense.” He paused to take a sip of his own drink. “He said that I wasn’t his rival, but that Himawari was.”

Yuuko swallowed her second drink and set the cup on the table. “A rival is someone you compete with for affection, an achievement or a possession. What doesn’t make sense?”

“That’s exactly my point. They aren’t competing over anything. They’re in different classes, different sports, they have different hobbies and Himawari isn’t interested in anyone. It makes no sense.”

“Oh, Watanuki, there are many kinds of rivals, and it doesn’t always have to mean that two people are in an active competition with one another. Himawari could be blissfully unaware of what she possesses, but if Doumeki seeks to gain it for himself, he would consider her to be a rival.”

Watanuki thought about it for a while. “He’s jealous of something that she has?”

Yuuko shrugged her shoulders slightly and nudged her empty cup. “Possibly.” Nudge, nudge.

Lost in puzzling out his dilemma, Watanuki was missing Yuuko’s little hints and asked, “Then why doesn’t he just come out and ask her for it? Himawari is a very sweet and generous girl. I’m sure she’d give it to him, whatever it might be.”

Yuuko stared at Watanuki until he met her eyes and then pointedly looked at her empty cup. Once he reached for the bottle, she answered, “I’m sure she would, but it may not be hers to give away.”

“But you just said –

“Watanuki, some things are intangible and are given to people whether they want them or not. For example, two boys rescue a lost cat. When they return it to its owner, she notices only the attractive one and labels him a hero to all her friends. The handsome boy may not want to be called a hero, but he can’t make it go away. In the meantime, the other boy who did just as much is ignored and lonely and covets his friend’s standing amongst their peers.” Yuuko lifted the cup to her lips and tilted it back. “Do you understand now?”

“Maybe.” An idea was starting to form in Watanuki’s mind and while it seemed to fit all the facts, it also seemed impossible.

*****

 

The day had dawned gray and overcast when he woke from his usual dream. The temperatures had plummeted overnight and there was a promise of snow in the air so he bundled into his heavy woolen coat for his walk to school. On the way, he stopped by Doumeki’s, but there was no sign of him. It wasn’t until the gates of the school came into view that he got his first glimpse of his friend since the day before.

“Doumeki! Please wait!” he called out, trying to get his friend’s attention.

Doumeki stopped where he was and leaned on the stone wall near the gate until Watanuki caught up with him.

“Can I talk to you for a minute? I need to ask you a question.”

Doumeki shrugged. “What?”

Watanuki took a deep breath and plunged ahead. “Yesterday you said that Himawari was your rival. Are you rivals because of a person?”

Doumeki glanced at him and turned away quickly. “Yeah.”

There was a long stretch of silence afterward and Watanuki stood with his fists clenched and gathered the nerve to ask his question. “Is it me?”

He watched a stunned look appear on Doumeki’s profile, but the man otherwise stood stock still and didn’t respond.

Moving to stand directly in his line of sight, Watanuki fixed his eyes on Doumeki’s and asked again, “Is it?”

In a flash, Watanuki felt Doumeki grab him by the shoulders and push him up against the wall of the school. Heedless of the other students still in the area, Doumeki growled out a “Yes,” just before crushing his lips over Watanuki’s.

In shock over Doumeki’s sudden reaction to his question, Watanuki stood paralyzed and breathless as his mouth was invaded by his friend and he felt himself grow dizzy. When Doumeki finally pulled away, Watanuki swayed dangerously and had cause to be grateful for the wall at his back that helped to keep him upright.

Doumeki stared at him intently for a timeless moment and then rushed away.

It finally occurred to Watanuki that a large group of students had stopped to watch the scene and the squeal of giggling girls now attracted his attention. Face turning red with both embarrassment and anger, Watanuki did his best to slink away and hide from the crowd.

‘What was Doumeki thinking? It would be all over the school in a day and everyone would know. Didn’t he care? Maybe he didn’t,’ Watanuki thought. ‘Maybe all this time he’s…’

‘It was ironic,’ he thought. The man was incredibly popular with the women at the school and yet it had never before dawned on any of them that he never dated, that he never went anywhere without Watanuki.

After that display, Watanuki thought, Doumeki was either gay or a fool - and his friend may have been many things, but a fool was never one of them. On the other hand, if Doumeki had been interested in him all this time and he’d never noticed before this, maybe Watanuki was the one who was the fool.

At any rate, Watanuki finally had his answer. Now he had to decide just what he wanted to do about it. He needed to think, he needed time, he needed to be alone and he wasn’t going to get that here at the school.

In a rare moment of defiance, Watanuki turned away from the school and walked back to Yuuko’s shop. He left the enormous lunch he’d packed with Maru and Moro, giving them strict instructions to keep it away from Mokona until Yuuko wanted it, and then he walked away.

It was too cold to just wander aimlessly, so Watanuki decided to return to his apartment. There were certainly no squealing girls there and no Doumeki to face either. With no apparitions to distract him and no need to rush anywhere, Watanuki found himself looking up as he walked, seeing shops on the second and third floors of buildings he must have passed hundreds of times over the years but never really noticed before. Just across the street, he spotted a large, well lit bookstore with a friendly looking café inside. A nice cup of something hot would warm him up, he thought, and it wasn’t as if he was in a hurry today.

Watanuki went inside and pondered his problem over a large cup of delicious hot chocolate. Doumeki had kissed him. It was a shock certainly and his shoulder hurt slightly where Doumeki had pushed him into the wall. He’d definitely been angry at the time, but with time and distance Watanuki realized that he was angry at the embarrassment, at the public display and the whispers and stares of his classmates. It was surprising, yes, but it wasn’t disturbing and that bothered him more than the kiss itself. Why should he be here calmly sipping hot cocoa? He was just kissed by another man. Shouldn’t that bother him? Shouldn’t he be outraged?

Watanuki looked down at his drink for answers and was reminded of Doumeki drinking the Valentine’s Day cocoa he had prepared for Himawari. He had yelled and screamed at Doumeki at the time for doing it, and then a few short hours later found himself offering Yuuko any price to help him save Doumeki’s life.

What was this thing between them? Was it just a close friendship bound tighter by the extreme circumstances they’d endured? It was obviously much more than that, at least on Doumeki’s part. With that kiss he’d just declared both his sexual orientation and also that it was Watanuki that he desired.

It was an odd position that he found himself in. No one had ever found him attractive in that sort of way before and so it was extremely flattering from a certain point of view. 

‘What is it like?’ he wondered. Watanuki’s life had, to that point, been so full of day to day survival between the death of his parents and the pursuit of the apparitions that had haunted him that the social aspects of being a young man had passed him by. When you are busy taking care of yourself and a household and escaping the pursuit of monsters, going on dates, let alone having a physical relationship, was just a fantastical dream. ‘I suppose there would be no harm in looking it up, just for informational purposes, of course.’ He was already in a bookstore and at this hour of the morning there were no other shoppers around who might see what he was reading.

Finishing his drink, he stood and walked out of the café portion of the store and into the bookstore proper to find a section on health and human sexuality. There was a large section on the subject and he quickly found several books on anatomy and a great many on gay relationships. ‘Well, I certainly don’t need to know about the parts and I’m not actually having a relationship with him so I don’t need that.’ As he re-shelved the books he had decided against, he paused. Why would he phrase it that way to himself? He wasn’t thinking about actually having a sexual relationship with Doumeki, right? This was purely for research purposes, wasn’t it?

Watanuki’s hands began to shake. Quickly he snatched up three books that seemed to be specifically about gay sex. He clutched them to his chest and sought out a deserted corner of the store where he might be able to look them over unobserved.

The first book was filled with countless positions and suggestions on ways to improve a couple’s sex life. Closing it and discarding it under his chair, he opened the second book.

This one was more of an art book. It was filled with images, both black and white and color, of men making love. Watanuki flipped through a few of the pages and admired one of the black and white shots. It was tastefully done and projected a real sense of intimacy between the two men. 

He found himself wondering what he and Doumeki might look like in a similar position and then waited for a wave of revulsion that never came. In fact, he found that he was enjoying the pictures. As his pants became tight, he thought maybe he was enjoying the pictures a little too much.

The book was lovely, but very expensive and didn’t really have the sort of data he really needed to find so he put it under his chair with the first one and turned to the last book.

This volume turned out to be exactly what he had hoped to find. It was full of factual information and explanations, had a few diagrams for the novice, and was very reasonably priced. Having found what he wanted, Watanuki paid for the book, tucked it inside his bag and left the store.

A light snow had begun to fall while he was inside and now the wind was starting to pick up as well. He had planned on going home to read, but that would mean another, longer trip to Yuuko’s shop later through increasingly unpleasant weather. Deciding that he could start to work early and read as he took breaks, Watanuki returned the way he had come.

Friday afternoon turned out to be a productive one. After lunch, Yuuko had a meeting with two beady-eyed gentlemen that left her very happy and Watanuki had made good progress on cleaning a major section of the storeroom, a project he usually only tackled on Saturdays. With plenty of time for a break while Yuuko was safely engaged with her customers, Watanuki settled in a hidden corner of the pantry and read his book.

As he flipped the pages, Watanuki stared in disbelief at the things people did with one another, but couldn’t deny his growing sense of curiosity. ‘It must feel good, or people wouldn’t put themselves through all that, would they?’

The book spent a good deal of time emphasizing ways to make things more comfortable, safe, and exciting for the receiving partner. ‘I can’t really see Doumeki being the receiving partner, so I suppose I should pay better attention to this section for my own good.’

It was another full five minutes of reading before Watanuki realized what he’d said to himself implied that he’d already decided in his mind that he was going to do it. ‘I must be crazy,’ he thought.

More and more though, it was something that he really thought he could do if it was for Doumeki. People did it every day. It was just a physical thing and no one got hurt if you did it the right way. It was nothing. It was easy. It was like giving someone a backrub and it would make Doumeki happy. It was the perfect way, he thought, to thank his friend and pay him back for all the sacrifices Doumeki had made for Watanuki’s happiness. 

Warming rapidly now to the idea, Watanuki continued to study the book carefully as dinner simmered and then he tucked it back into his bag when it was time to leave for the day.

“Watanuki?” Yuuko appeared in the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, Yuuko. There’s no more sake left from this evening’s dinner.” Watanuki picked up his bag and wandered to the front door.

“Watanuki!”

Something in the tone of Yuuko’s voice made him stop in the entryway where he was trading his slippers for his shoes. Looking up at her, she appeared serious and intent.

“There are some things, Watanuki Kimihiro, which cannot be bought or sold. They are not commodities to be traded because their value is deep inside their own existence. I’ve warned you about the weight of human life, but there are other fields just as dangerous. The risk is great - as is the reward - so tread carefully. Some things, once broken, can never be repaired at any cost.”

Watanuki froze in place. He wasn’t sure what that was about, but Yuuko was in a scary mood tonight. It could either have been something important or it could equally well have been about dinner. He made a mental note to serve more sake the next night and then asked timidly, “Y-yes, Yuuko. Can I – go now?”

“Of course, Watanuki dear. Do be careful not to slip in the snow.” Once more back to her usual bouncy self, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and walked away with a new sake bottle in her hand, which she had concealed behind her back.

Watanuki rolled his eyes. ‘She terrified me just so that she could sneak another bottle of sake? Typical Yuuko.’

He finished tying his shoes, buttoned his long coat, grabbed his bag and headed out into the night on a mission.

***

 

Mustering his courage, Watanuki stomped the snow off of his shoes and walked boldly into Green’s Drugstore. His nerves returned as he scanned aisle after aisle and then realized with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that the lubricant must be kept behind the counter. He would have to ask one of the clerks to get it for him. Looking around, he saw that the friendly blond boy was working today and approached him. “Excuse me.”

“Good evening. How can I help you, sir?” Kazahaya said as he turned around. “Oh, it’s you. Did you need some more hangover remedy today?”

Watanuki groaned softly. Yuuko was always sending him here for eki-kyabe and now it seemed that his face was permanently associated with the stuff. “No, not today. I was looking for, ah, the, ah…family planning items.” He was stammering he knew, but he just hoped that his face wasn’t turning red as he spoke.

“Yes, sir. They’re right over here.” Kazahaya led him to a small section of counter in the right rear corner of the store. Dozens of types of condoms, creams, foam, films, and inserts stood before him in an intimidating display. “What can I get for you?”

“I need…I need to purchase…lubrication.” Watanuki had made the words come out of his mouth, but he knew that his nerves were showing.

Kazahaya looked confused but gestured to the side shelves that contained twenty different brands of lube.

The owner of the store was standing in the area and after hearing the exchange waived the clerk off. “It’s okay, Kazahaya. I’ll take care of him.”

“Oh, um, okay, sir.” The blond walked back to the shelf he’d been stocking.

“Now then, the lubrications are right here,” the owner explained, “but you are aware, aren’t you, that these aren’t for contraception. Perhaps what you’re looking for is one of these creams or foams.”

Panic.  
What should he do now?

With a nervous laugh, Watanuki scoured his memories. The book had mentioned the use of condoms, especially if a person had multiple partners. Since he wasn’t planning on ever sleeping with another man besides Doumeki, he hadn’t given it much thought at the time. Obviously, though, it was possible to use them. “N-no. Um, I meant to say that I needed condoms and lubrication. Sorry, my mistake.”

“Oh, I see. Well,” Kakei turned back to the shelf. “You could just buy pre-lubricated condoms and save yourself some money.” Pulling a box off the shelf, the owner handed him a package of ribbed condoms that were coated with a spermicidal lubrication.

Watanuki pretended to study the box while he wracked his brain. Spermicide was bad; he remembered that, and how much lube could really be on a condom without making it so slippery that you’d never get it on? The book was very specific in saying that a sufficient quantity of a good lubricant was paramount. Then there was the issue of the ribbing. Wouldn’t that be painful?

“I was really hoping for just – umm – plain condoms and a good, quality…” his voice trailed off and Watanuki wondered when the torture would end.

Taking the box back, Kakei replaced it on the shelf and reached for another box. “Well, if you’re sure.” He plunked a different box on the counter in Watanuki’s field of vision: plain, smooth, unlubricated condoms. “Of course that means that you’ll need a very good, water-based, lubricant,” Kakei paused and made eye contact with him, “since you’ll be using it with a condom. They aren’t compatible with oil based lubes, but I’m sure you already know that.” Kakei beamed a smile at his customer and pulled the most expensive bottle of lube in the store off of the shelf. “This one comes highly recommended and is only 2000 yen.”

Watanuki stared in horror at the tiny two ounce bottle lying innocently on the counter and winced. It would leave him flat broke, but at least he’d finally be able to escape this retail nightmare. “Y-yes, that’s fine. I’ll take it.” Watanuki rushed to the register and had wallet and money at the ready by the time Kakei arrived with the two items. He paid for the condoms and lube, snatched up the small paper bag with his purchase, and fled into the night.

The dark haired stock boy turned around at the sound of the door chime and walked over to his boss. “Kakei? That was just mean, you know. Could you have tormented that poor kid any worse?”

Feigning a look of perfect innocence, Kakei answered, “I don’t know what you mean, Rikuo.” 

Rikuo shook his head and walked away. 

Quietly, Kakei whispered to himself, “He needs to know these things. Besides, when the adrenaline wears off, he’ll be much more relaxed about his first time.”

 

Watanuki stood outside the gate of the temple. He hardly remembered the trip after his flight from the drug store, especially with the blowing snow obscuring everything more than a few feet from his face. He clutched the small paper bag in his right hand and wondered if he should have called first.

Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he bit his lower lip and trudged onto the temple grounds. It was early evening and he looked through the falling snow for a light that would give him a hint as to where to find his friend.

Watanuki’s heart was pounding and his feet numb as he made his way between the buildings to Doumeki’s home. As he drew near, he could make out a bundled figure ahead of him trying to keep a path clear on the temple’s walkways.

“Watanuki? What are you doing out in this snow?” Doumeki asked looking surprised.

“I wanted to see you,” Watanuki answered simply.

When no other answer seemed to be forthcoming, Doumeki shrugged and gestured towards the stairs.

His legs felt like lead and the short trip seemed to take forever, but eventually they made it inside. Watanuki hung his coat and traded his shoes for slippers before leaving his messenger bag behind and following Doumeki to the kitchen.

The paper bag had become like a talisman and he continued to clutch at it, now with both hands, as though he could draw courage from it.

Arriving in the kitchen, he saw Doumeki making tea and set the bag on the kitchen table to free his hands so that he could help.

When they were both sitting at the table sipping their tea and warming up, Doumeki noticed the slightly mangled little bag. Before Watanuki noticed his friend’s interest in the sack, Doumeki snatched it off the table and started to open it.

“So, what’s in here?” he asked.

It was fortunate that Watanuki had just set his cup down, or he might have broken it in his haste to grab at the bag. As it was, he spilled both mugs when he bumped the table as he lunged at his friend. “Wait!” he screamed as his hands finally reached the bottom of the bag.

Doumeki stopped trying to unfold the top of the bag, but it was too late. Between the snow dampening the paper and Watanuki’s nervous wringing further weakening it, the bag was already fragile. When Watanuki pulled at its bottom, the small sack tore open and spilled its contents onto the kitchen floor.

Both men froze, their faces inches from each other, and then turned to look at the two items where they had come to rest. As Watanuki sighed and dropped his head, Doumeki continued to stare in profound disbelief.

“Doumeki?”  
There was no response.  
“Doumeki?” he tried again.  
When Doumeki still didn’t respond, Watanuki looked up at his profile and saw the handsome man that everyone else could see. Quietly, he whispered, “There is no such thing as coincidence, there is only hitsuzen.”

Doumeki finally turned to face Watanuki and bumped his nose against the other’s as he did.

Closing the small gap between them, Watanuki leaned forward and sealed his lips over Doumeki’s. The kiss started slow and built in intensity as Doumeki shook off his shock and surprise. He tugged at Watanuki’s hips until he was seated in Doumeki’s lap and before long they were both aroused and grinding against each other.

When they broke apart, Watanuki gasped out, “Bedroom.”

Doumeki placed two small kisses to the skin under Watanuki’s left ear and whispered, “Are you sure?”

“Mmm-hmm.” Watanuki nodded his head at the same time he sounded his agreement and then stood up.

Doumeki paused only long enough to scoop up the condoms and lube and then led the way to the bedroom.

When they arrived inside the room, Doumeki pushed Watanuki against the doorframe and kissed him breathless before retrieving the mattress and making up the futon. Once the bed was ready, Doumeki reached up a hand and tugged Watanuki down to kneel on the soft bedding with him. 

There was a quiet moment between them and then Doumeki asked again, “Are you sure?”

This time Watanuki spoke, “Yes.”

Doumeki watched Watanuki’s face as he reached forward and unbuttoned his uniform. He wanted to believe that the object of his love wanted this as much as he did, but he still looked for any sign of hesitation. When he saw nothing that disturbed him, Doumeki pushed Watanuki down and removed the rest of his clothing. 

Watanuki shivered and told himself that it was only the cold air in the room moving over his skin that made him shake. It couldn’t be fear of the unknown or the excitement of watching Doumeki undress, could it?

When both men were finally naked, Doumeki stretched out on top of Watanuki and kissed him again. As his tongue explored Watanuki’s mouth, Doumeki’s fingers quested over all the skin he could reach. 

The kisses slowly moved lower, to his neck, to his chest. Doumeki paused then to suck on his nipples and Watanuki was shocked at how good it felt. He felt a sense of relief that maybe this might not be so bad after all, and he did his best to relax under Doumeki’s tender hands. Lips and hands moved lower again and Watanuki felt warm breath blow over his erection. 

Doumeki lightly kissed the tip of Watanuki’s cock and tongued at the slit. Brushing his hands over his partner’s skin, he lifted Watanuki’s legs and pushed them up and out to the sides. Doumeki sat up slightly then and reached for the lube. 

He tore away the protective seal and popped open the cap. After squeezing a bead of the thick substance onto his right index finger, he snapped the cap shut and reached for Watanuki’s cock with his left hand. With long slow strokes, Doumeki worked Watanuki’s erection until his lover’s eyes fluttered shut from the pleasure and his breath came in short gasps. 

With Watanuki’s attention diverted and his body relaxed, Doumeki touched the tip of his right finger with the now warmed lube to the rim of Watanuki’s opening. Patiently, Doumeki worked the lube around and around until he felt the tight muscle relax and begin to flutter. Pushing in just to the first joint of his finger, Doumeki began to work the lube inside and adapt his lover to the strange new feeling.

Getting another larger dose of lube, Doumeki smeared it between his right index and middle finger and then bent forward to take Watanuki’s cock into his mouth. 

Watanuki’s silence came to an end then and there was no stopping the gasp and moan that escaped from him. He was lost in a sea of sensual new experiences and reached down to touch Doumeki’s hair in an attempt to anchor himself.

Slowly, Doumeki pushed a single finger completely inside Watanuki’s body and then alternated his index and middle fingers to work the lube deeper inside. When he thought his lover was ready, Doumeki slowly forced both fingers into the narrow passage at the same time.

Doumeki could hear Watanuki’s stifled cry and feel his body clamping down tightly over his fingers. Using his left hand, he lifted Watanuki’s cock slightly so that he could lick the sensitive area just under the head and held his right hand perfectly still. 

In time Watanuki relaxed and soon was able to take the fingers as Doumeki slowly thrust them in and out of his body. Doumeki inserted a third finger and began to suck Watanuki off in earnest.

Torn between extreme pleasure and pain, Watanuki fought against the conflicting sensations that were fast driving him to climax. His mind reeled at the thought that pain could even mix with pleasure and denied the other feelings his desire was beginning to provoke. 

He wanted to bring Doumeki pleasure – that had been his intention all along - but now he found himself having thoughts of wanting to be more than just a passive participant in the act. He found himself wanting to do things to Doumeki, do what was being done to him and Watanuki felt a powerful jolt of lust at the thought of making the other man moan in pleasure and writhe in ecstasy. 

At that moment, Doumeki swallowed his length and touched a spot inside him and Watanuki was lost. 

When he could finally think again, his heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing was still labored. Watanuki rolled to his right side to try to catch his breath and had the vague notion that Doumeki had moved away and returned. Just as he was about to roll over and look for him, he felt a kiss on his left shoulder and a hand coaxing him to lift his left leg.

Too wonderfully boneless to do anything but comply, Watanuki moved as the hands urged him and felt something forcefully push against his well prepared hole. 

Doumeki leaned over him and Watanuki heard him say, “I’ll go slow, just try to relax.”

He did his best, but the pain was sharp and brought tears to his eyes. True to his word, Doumeki moved slowly and stopped once he was fully seated. Watanuki panted through the pain and the tearing, burning sensation eventually subsided to a dull ache.

Doumeki brushed the hair away from Watanuki’s face with his left hand and rained kisses over his temple and cheek. “Are you okay?” he asked softly.

Watanuki merely nodded in response.

Hesitantly, Doumeki risked a backstroke but watched carefully to see if Watanuki needed him to stop.

It was a strange sensation of filling and loss, but as Doumeki moved, it became easier and easier for Watanuki.

When Watanuki squirmed underneath him, Doumeki sat back on his knees, quickened his pace, and began to thrust in earnest. 

It was nothing like what Watanuki had expected and he found himself carried away by passion. Doumeki’s powerful thrusts and tender touches started to affect him in much the way the pleasure and pain had earlier. They were opposing sensations yet they were both deliciously heady. 

Watanuki felt a twinge of guilt as his cock swelled again. He was supposed to be giving Doumeki pleasure, not receiving it. All of his lover’s attention seemed to be focused on him and that couldn’t be right. How could Watanuki even the debt that stood between them if he took more than he gave? You must pay a price that is equal and you can’t receive more than you pay for. How many times had Yuuko said that to him?

Doumeki leaned down over his shoulder and continued to thrust, but slower and deeper.

“You feel like heaven,” he panted into Watanuki’s ear. “So close now. Touch yourself. Come with me.”

It was the first thing that Doumeki had asked of him and he responded immediately. In trying to give, he received once again. The sound of Doumeki’s ragged breath, the touch of his own hand, the intense feeling of fullness in his body that was caused by his lover’s cock, it all stimulated Watanuki to a dizzying new plateau of pleasure.

“Doumeki – going to – come again,” he forced out between Doumeki’s breath stealing thrusts.

Doumeki grabbed Watanuki’s shoulders and began his final strokes.

Stroke. “Kimihiro.”  
Stroke.  
Stroke. “Love you.”  
Stroke…and then they both plunged over the edge.

Once he’d caught his breath, Watanuki lay very still and clamped his eyes tightly shut against the threat of tears. What had he done? How could he have made such a mistake? Doumeki desired, Doumeki wanted, yes, but Doumeki also loved.

Watanuki felt the warm body above him rise and shift away from the bed. A refreshing touch of cool air reached him before Doumeki placed the comforter over him and moved away. Another undeserved act of kindness.

Daring to crack his eyes open for a small peek, he watched as Doumeki moved around in the moonlight and put his yukata on to leave the room.

Watanuki sat up, gingerly, and grabbed for his clothing when he heard Doumeki move from the bathroom to the kitchen and then back again.

‘Probably put water on for some tea before going back in to finish cleaning up. He’ll be gone for a few more minutes.’

Heart thumping powerfully in his chest, Watanuki tossed on his clothes and listened to the voice in his head that was urging him to flee. Soundlessly, he rushed down the wooden corridor, grabbed his shoes, coat and bag at the front door, and quickly snuck away.

Once outside, he let the full horror of his mistake urge him on and he ran for five long blocks before slipping and falling in the fresh snow. As he lay on the icy sidewalk, Watanuki rolled over and allowed the snowflakes to fall on his upturned face. The little crystals of ice felt good against his overheated flesh and he shivered as sweat from their spent passions evaporated into tiny tendrils of steam rising off of his skin.

Amidst that profound quiet that only happens when it snows, there was a brief moment when his heart eased and he remembered the warmth of loving fingers. Then the guilt returned and Watanuki scrambled to regain his feet and hurry on towards his dark, cold apartment.

Just as his building came into view, a sound from behind him broke the stillness of the night air. Watanuki froze in place for ten beats of his heart before forcing himself to turn around.

Doumeki stood in the street twelve feet behind him. He’d obviously dressed in haste and then hurried to follow Watanuki to make certain that he was alright.

Watanuki saw Doumeki’s eyes flicker between his own and his cheeks. Reaching up with an ungloved hand, Watanuki felt hot tears flowing down his face and burning his frostbitten fingers.

Watanuki’s breath hitched at the realization that he must have cried all the way home and that now Doumeki had seen that as well.

With one final look up into Watanuki’s eyes, Doumeki turned away and started to walk toward his home. It had only been a split second, but Watanuki now knew what a face in sheer agony actually looked like.

He’d taken a precious gift offered by a kind and gentle man of quiet strength and twisted it into a sordid nightmare. Doumeki had done nothing wrong; had shown him a beautiful and gentle passion that would warm a lover’s soul, and Watanuki had just, with that single tear, reduced it all to an unappreciated coupling of obligation and fear.

He never hated himself more than he did at that moment.

*****


	2. Walking the Path

Was it possible to drown in sin? Watanuki closed his sleepy eyes and rolled on his futon to face the balcony window. The sun was coming up and he never had managed to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Doumeki’s face. That brief moment in time from when Doumeki glimpsed Watanuki’s tears until he turned and walked away would be etched in his memories forever.

A new wave of guilt washed over the miserable young man and he wondered in desperation if Yuuko could turn back time. He doubted that it was possible for anyone to accomplish that and, even if someone could, he could never afford the sort of price that would demand. His debt might have been large before all of this happened, but he knew, just knew, that it was insurmountable now.

He really was the idiot that Doumeki always accused him of being. It was just that now his stupidity had turned criminally cruel. He’d never be able to look the other man in the eye again. ‘In the eye,’ he thought and winced. It was only through Doumeki’s generosity that he was able to see with two eyes again and now he couldn’t bear to look at the one who’d given him such a precious gift. He had no right.

He wasn’t even certain right now if he could face Yuuko. For all her teasing and tormenting, she had taught him many lessons and shown him friendship and compassion since he’d first stumbled into her store. She must be bitterly disappointed to have wasted her time on him now. He hadn’t even seen her yet, but he was certain that she already knew what he’d done.

So much pain on everyone’s part to teach him about how his actions affected others and he still made the wrong choices. How could he mean to do the right thing so earnestly and still hurt so many people so badly? How could he hurt the one person he owed more to than anyone else?

If it was possible to suffocate from guilt, he was certain that it would happen soon. It wasn’t that he deserved a quick death, or even that he craved one, but he needed relief from the pain and guilt that felt so tied to his fate.  
Fate.  
Need.  
Necessity.  
The inevitable.  
Hitsuzen.  
There was only hitsuzen.  
Watanuki laughed bitterly.

Forcing his strained and exhausted body into movement, Watanuki stood up and went through the motions of his morning. He cleared away the futon and tidied away the non-existent messes cluttering his table and floors.

He dressed himself absently in his uniform. He didn’t really feel like going to school today, but after missing the day yesterday he just couldn’t afford to stay away. It was, at least, a Saturday which meant only half a day. If he arrived late and left late, perhaps he could avoid being noticed and not only by people that he knew. 

When he’d fallen last night, his coat had suffered a dozen small tears. The snow was fresh and clean and hadn’t soiled the wool which had dried out overnight; he simply didn’t feel up to mending anything this morning. His uniform had fortunately been protected by his coat and was fine. A mended tear in that would be much harder to hide.

Watanuki shuffled past the kitchen and felt a wave of nausea hit him at the thought of food. Lunches would never be the same for them again. How could they be? At least with today being Saturday, no one would be expecting one and he could put off explaining anything to Himawari for at least a few more days.

As much as he wanted to hide, he would have to go out today and eventually he would have to face Yuuko.

*****

 

The day passed quickly. Watanuki kept himself busy running errands for his teachers and making himself scarce studying in the library. It was a welcome haven, the library; a quiet place where no one expected him to say anything. 

He had had only one moment of panic earlier in the day when he’d been walking down a corridor and saw Himawari approaching from the other end. As luck would have it, there was a men’s room nearby and he had hidden inside for a full fifteen minutes just to be certain that she was gone.

At the end of the day, Watanuki watched the other students leave from the vantage of his perch in a third floor library window. It looked like such a typical day which somehow only served to reinforce his feeling of disconnectedness from the world around him. From here, Watanuki could see the archery range and it was then that he caught his first glimpse of Doumeki since the previous night. 

With complete disregard for the icy temperatures, Doumeki stood perfectly focused with his bow in hand and dressed in short sleeves and hakama. Slowly he positioned the arrow and raised the bow. 

Doumeki was so graceful in his archery, so precise, so controlled. He released the arrow and Watanuki found himself straining his eyes to follow its path to see if it hit true. Unfortunately, the targets were too far beyond the corner and he wasn’t able to see for himself, but he knew it was perfect. Doumeki was rarely anything but.

Things appeared so normal. Doumeki looked so normal. Maybe it really was possible for things to be the way they once were before he’d made his mistake.

Watanuki continued to watch until Himawari came into view. She was approaching the side of the range and started to call out to Doumeki just as he’d begun to pull the bow string. Time seemed to slow then and Watanuki watched in horror as the bow string snapped and caught Doumeki on the side of his face, opening a long cut on his right cheek.

He stepped back away from the window but continued to observe the pair as Himawari rushed forward and pressed a handkerchief to Doumeki’s bloody cheek. ‘No,’ he thought, ‘it’s all wrong and it can’t be right ever again.’ Watanuki told himself that things would be much better for everyone if those two were a couple and he faded away into the background.

Racing through the empty hallways, Watanuki collected his coat and shoes and ran until the school was far behind him. Before long, Yuuko’s shop loomed large in front of him and he felt a twinge of fear. What would she say? What could he say?

Watanuki was lightheaded from hunger and fatigue and decided that he was too tired to fight his fate anymore today. Putting one foot in front of the other, he walked straight through the front door and started to make lunch in the kitchen just as he would on any other Saturday. Yuuko would find him when she wanted to, and making her wait for her lunch was certainly no way to improve her disposition.

***

Maru and Moro crept away from the half-open kitchen doorway and sought out their mistress.

“What’s wrong?” Yuuko asked when she saw their long faces.

“Watanuki is sad,” Maru answered.

“Sad,” Moro echoed.

“I know,” Yuuko replied softly.

Mokona hopped onto Yuuko’s lap and tapped her hand. “Are you going to talk to him?” he asked.

“Later,” she said. “His mind is still too full of foolishness right now. Later, when his thoughts quiet, I’ll try to help him see. For now, let’s just leave him alone.”

Yuuko watched Watanuki as he laid out their lunch for them and then hastily retreated from the room. She found him later as he scrubbed away in an already immaculate bathing room. She crossed her arms and leaned in the doorway as she waited for him.

Watanuki could feel Yuuko’s eyes on him as he bent over the tub. He closed his own eyes and scrubbed faster, hoping against hope that she would give up and walk away.

“Watanuki Kimihiro, there hasn’t been a speck of dirt anywhere on that tub for the last ten minutes.”

Busted.

Sitting back on his heels and dropping his cleaning rag back into the bucket, Watanuki sighed and opened his eyes. He could see her reflection on the mirror in front of him, but refused to meet her gaze.

“You don’t have to say it,” he offered putting up one hand to forestall the lecture he assumed was coming. “I know I’ve messed up. You tried to warn me last night. I understand that now, and I was just too stupid to see it. You have every right to be angry and disappointed in me. You’ve spent so much time trying to teach me things and show me things, and yet I keep making the wrong decisions and hurting the people around me. I should probably be sent away somewhere to a place where I can’t hurt anyone else.”

Shrinking even further in on himself, Watanuki continued, “If you want me to go, I’ll get my things and go quietly and if you still want me to work off my debt, I’ll come and do the work and stay out of everyone’s way. I’ll do whatever you want, but please, just for today, please don’t scold me.”

Yuuko walked into the room and bent over Watanuki’s deflated form. Reaching out, she cupped his chin in her hand and forced him to meet her eyes. Keeping her voice quiet and her eyes sincere, she said, “I’m not angry with you.” She stood back up while keeping her eyes firmly fixed on his and continued, “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be waiting for you.” Then she gathered her skirts with one hand and moved gracefully out of the room with a flourish.

His eyes no longer trapped by Yuuko’s gaze, Watanuki’s head dropped like a puppet whose string had been suddenly cut. A small nervous laugh escaped him. ‘When,’ she said. Not if. She clearly intended to speak to him today but she did say that she wasn’t angry and her demeanor seemed to bear that out.

Maybe it would help to talk to Yuuko, he thought. For all her blustering and boasting, Watanuki believed that she was truly wise and that she did indeed care about him. There would be a price, of course, there always was, but if she could help him figure out a way to put things right with Doumeki, it would be worth it.

Twenty minutes later, a more composed looking Watanuki walked into the small windowed parlor with a tray of tea. Yuuko was already seated there at the round, two person table calmly smoking her pipe. Watanuki paused in the doorway and watched as the smoke drifted and danced around his employer’s head before curling through the rest of the room.

Tearing his eyes away from the mesmerizing image, Watanuki moved into the room, set down the tray, and shut the door before taking his seat. Yuuko waited patiently while Watanuki poured the tea and fidgeted. She was content, it seemed, to let him speak when he was ready. When there was nothing left to fuss over, Watanuki forced himself to start talking.

“You really aren’t angry?”

“Why should I be angry, Watanuki? It was your decision to make and it’s between you and Doumeki. If I had decided to be angry over it for some reason, I would have to be upset with him as well. It does take two, after all.”

“No, that’s not fair,” he protested. Watanuki put down the teacup he’d been hiding between the palms of both his hands and looked straight at Yuuko. “Doumeki didn’t do anything wrong. He was sincere about how he felt and gave me something I…” As his own words caught up to him, Watanuki slumped in his chair and dropped his head. “…a gift I don’t deserve, a treasure I can never repay, and then…then I hurt him,” he finally stammered out.

“How did you hurt him?” Yuuko asked calmly.

“I left. I ran away. I thought it would be enough to just…” he struggled with how to say something so embarrassingly intimate to Yuuko, “…give myself to Doumeki. I knew that he wanted that and it was something I had to give. I didn’t understand until it was much too late that he wasn’t just taking from me; he was giving something back, something bigger than just his body. He was showing me, giving me his heart and soul. I panicked. It was too much responsibility, I suppose. I couldn’t think straight and so I ran away.” He paused to pick up his cup, hands shaking visibly, and took a drink.

“On the way home, I realized how badly this would hurt him, finding out what a shallow thing I’d done, what a meaningless gift I’d offered him. I don’t know when I started crying, but by the time Doumeki caught up with me at my apartment I was and he saw it. The look on his face, Yuuko, I’ll never forget that look on his face and I put it there. He’ll never forgive me. He shouldn’t. I’ll never forgive myself.”

Yuuko leaned back in her chair and blew a long string of smoke through pursed lips before she commented. “So you lied to him, led him on, and then made him believe it was everything that you knew he wanted and then took it all away from him?”

“N-no! It wasn’t like that! It-”

“Of course it wasn’t like that,” Yuuko cut him off to answer her own question. “You never said anything, did you? And he didn’t ask either. Each of you made an assumption about the other and acted on it instead of talking first. You’re still making assumptions even now, Watanuki, and what if you’re wrong? I don’t doubt that Doumeki is hurting as well, but it may not be for the reason that you think. Either way, the only way to stop this is for you to talk to each other. You need to be honest with one another and in order to do that you need to start being honest with yourself, Watanuki. Why did you do this? Where did it all start?”

An automatic answer formed in Watanuki’s mouth, but he bit his lower lip and stifled it. He wanted to say that he did it to repay Doumeki for his protection, but he’d been doing that for months with the bento lunches and the man had never complained about the arrangement. Why had Watanuki decided that there needed to be anything more?

Yuuko stood up and the scraping of the chair legs against the floor diverted Watanuki’s thoughts.

“Go home, Watanuki. Take the rest of the day off, find your answers, and then talk to him.” She reached out and touched his cheek affectionately. After a small, warm smile, the hand retreated and Yuuko left the room. Her presence lingered though as did the warmth from her hand on his cheek.

Watanuki raised his hand to touch the fading sensation on his cheek and wondered. Was she right? Had he talked himself into the wrong things for the wrong reasons? He needed to think and his head felt muddled. ‘Air’, he thought. ‘I need fresh air to help me focus.’ He took the tea tray back to the kitchen and finished up the dishes before collecting his coat and leaving the store.

Lost in his thoughts, Watanuki suddenly realized that he’d unintentionally wandered into the park. He walked over to the steel animals where all of them had sat at one time or another and took a rest. As he looked around, he was flooded with memories, snowball fights in the winter, picnics in the spring, baseball in the summer, and in the fall…

He looked to his left and saw the bench where he used to meet with the spirit who had lost her son. Watanuki made his way over to the bench and sat down. They were bittersweet memories, those meetings; a boy who’d lost his parents, a mother who’d lost her son. He’d been so consumed by the need to fill the gap in both their lives that it almost killed him and once again it had been Doumeki who’d saved him.

“I don’t want you to disappear,” Doumeki had said. It was the closest thing to the truth that Watanuki remembered the other man ever saying on the subject of his feelings. He would frequently say, “If anything ever happened to you…” but he’d always finish the sentence with some crack about not being able to tease him or losing out on his lunches. Now that Watanuki knew how Doumeki really felt about him, he saw those teasing words in a whole new light.

‘Why couldn’t he have told me how he really felt?’ Surely, he thought, he wouldn’t have made the same mistake if he’d known that Doumeki was looking for love rather than just sex. ‘No,’ he admitted to himself, ‘I wouldn’t have.’ He had plenty of faults and sins to his name right now, but that wasn’t one of them. He cared too much for his friend to have ever teased him in that way.

Watanuki’s mind went back to the question of why and then he realized that he’d been asking that question of himself quite a lot lately. When had it all started, Yuuko had asked. How far back did all of this really go? Doumeki had always rubbed him the wrong way and Yuuko and Himawari would tease him about his relationship with the man. 

It had always bothered Watanuki, the notion of owing Doumeki anything, and he recognized that it was the need to escape that debt that had pushed him to sleep with his friend. Why should he care if he owed Doumeki? He would owe Yuuko until Doomsday, it seemed, and that never bothered him. Doumeki’s actions made perfect sense now, in the light of his recently revealed feelings. Currently, it was his own actions that were beginning to confuse Watanuki.

The early March wind wrapped its icy fingers around the young man on the bench, and as daytime turned into evening, he sat and struggled to find answers for his questions. It was long after sunset and the rising of a full moon that shone high in the sky before Watanuki finally looked up and spoke aloud to the empty park.

“I’m in love with him.”

His voice echoed loudly in the bitterly cold night air and he tasted the truth in his words even as he spoke them. After several hours of soul searching, it was the only thing that made sense, and he no longer had the energy to fight off the truth. This quest of his to be on equal footing with Doumeki was all about the inequality in a relationship where he craved balance. 

How could he love someone he was so indebted to? It looked self-serving at best and horribly manipulative. The thought of chaining someone to himself with need and pity made him sick, and his mind had worked overtime fighting it. The dreams had urged him further on and faster in search of an answer. In the end, he had fallen astray anyway because he was too short-sighted to have recognized Doumeki’s feelings.

Yuuko was right about one thing; they hadn’t been honest with each other, and Watanuki hadn’t even been honest with himself. No matter what the outcome might be, they needed to talk this out. After the way he’d run away the night before, Watanuki wondered if he had the right to hope that Doumeki would give him a chance. Either way, he had to try.

In his intently focused state, Watanuki hadn’t noticed the passing of time or the falling temperatures. Despite wearing his thick wool coat, he was slow to rise from the bench and had trouble picking up his bag with cold, numb fingers. Moving his arms around and stamping his feet to get the blood moving, he hefted his bag and began his walk with the assumption that he would warm up as he moved. 

Watanuki was halfway to the temple before the long shadows finally made him take notice of the full moon. Nervous, he increased his pace only to realize that there was someone – or something – standing in the intersection ahead of him. Risking a side alley, Watanuki started to run and hoped he remembered the way well enough not to lose his sense of direction on an unfamiliar path. 

As he turned a corner, he startled a rat who’d been investigating a trash can in the narrow lane. Watanuki jumped to the side and lost his footing, twisting his left ankle as he fell.

‘Monsters on the prowl and I’m done in by a simple rat,’ he thought. 

Struggling to his feet, he picked up his bag and gingerly tested the ankle. It was a mild sprain. He thought he could continue walking, albeit with a limp, but prayed that there would be no more need to run this evening.

The rest of his walk was painful but uneventful, and Watanuki breathed a sigh of relief when he finally reached the temple. That sense of relief only lasted until he remembered just what the reason for his visit really was.

He looked across the courtyard to the building that held Doumeki’s living space and frowned at how dark it appeared. ‘Surely it can’t be that late,’ he thought. He held his watch up into the moonlight and saw that it was close to eleven o’clock.

‘Would he be asleep?’ he wondered. ‘Should I wake him or just knock softly or maybe I should just wait outside here until morning?’

Watanuki didn’t think much of his chances alone on the streets, in the dark, with a full moon and a bad ankle. It would be much, much safer, he thought, to just stay here on the porch and wait in the relative safety offered by a temple and with Doumeki nearby. ‘In fact, the cold doesn’t even seem to feel so bad anymore, either. I’ll just stay awake and move around a bit and I’ll be fine.’ 

Hobbling up the stairs, Watanuki left his bag by the door and went to walk the grounds. Before long, he found himself in front of the tree where the spider had lived - the spider who had first taken his eye. The spider was gone now, moved onto a safer location he imagined, but the memories remained.

“Do you want to come inside?” a deep voice asked from behind him.

Watanuki continued to face the tree and indulged in a small, wry smile. Doumeki had found him once again and was inviting him inside. “Yes, please,” he responded quietly and then turned around to face his friend. 

Doumeki was dressed in the simple clothes that he seemed to favor when he was at the temple and he carried a lantern that illuminated the bandage on his right cheek. Watanuki remembered the bowstring cutting Doumeki’s cheek and limped forward with concern in his eyes. Instinctively, he reached out with a hand to touch the bandage, but stopped short. He had no right to touch Doumeki that way, tenderly, like a lover, not after what he’d done. 

Watanuki dropped his hand and his head and repeated his answer, “Yes, please,” but this time there was sorrow in the words instead of hope.

Doumeki raised the lantern and studied the portrait of misery in front of him. “Are you sure you want to come inside? Aren’t you afraid to be alone with me?”

Watanuki’s head popped up. “What? What are you talking about? Why would I be afraid of you?”

“Isn’t that what this is all about? You ran away from me. You can’t touch me. Hell, you won’t even look at me.” Doumeki’s usual stoic demeanor was cracking under the frustration he felt.

Watanuki’s mind raced, but all he could say was, “No,” a soft sound in the dark.

“Did you feel forced?”

“No.”

“Did I hurt you somehow?”

“No! Stop! Please. You’ve got it all wrong. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine.”

Doumeki stopped his rapid fire questions and stood quietly while he waited for Watanuki’s explanation.

“I didn’t run away last night because you did anything wrong. I’m sorry for making you think that.” Watanuki put his behavior together and saw clearly how Doumeki could have mistaken his flight and tears for something other than his guilt. “I couldn’t face things. I couldn’t face you after what I’d done.”

“You…” Doumeki struggled to understand. “You were embarrassed? Ashamed?”

“Yes, but not the way you think. I – I thought it was just sex, just…” Watanuki’s words trailed off as he desperately reached for a way to explain his offense. “I already owe you for so many things.” Watanuki reached up and touched the brow over his right eye. “I don’t deserve your love. I thought you just wanted a physical relationship. I thought if I could give you that, it wouldn’t be so wrong.”

“Wrong? If you thought I was just using you, how could it be anything but wrong?”

“Because I use you every day!” Watanuki’s voice rose and he teetered on the edge of hysteria. “I take advantage of your friendship and your pity to keep me safe and if you knew how I felt about you, you’d feel even more obligated and I already hate myself for all of it!” By the time he finished, Watanuki was nearly screaming and was starting to hyperventilate.

Doumeki saw Watanuki’s rapid breathing as it turned into small clouds of vapor in the frigid air. Reaching out to take the other by the hand, he said, “Come on. We’re going inside.” When he actually clasped Watanuki’s hand however, he was shocked to feel how cold it was. 

Watanuki yanked his hand away as though he’d been burned. 

Shock registered on Doumeki’s face. “You’re like ice. Just how long have you been out here?” he asked and grabbed Watanuki’s sleeve to pull him forward.

“Umm…” Watanuki felt a little dizzy and tried to remember what time he’d left Yuuko’s shop. “I’d just gotten here when you found me, but I was in the park for a while before that.”

When they reached the stairs, Watanuki’s ankle gave out. He stumbled and started to fall until Doumeki caught him. Putting an arm around his waist and pulling Watanuki’s arm over his shoulder, he asked, “How long is a while?” as he half carried him up the stairs.

“I think it was around two or so when I left Yuuko’s,” he mumbled quietly.

Doumeki maneuvered him through the doorway and leaned him against the wall before retrieving Watanuki’s bag and closing the door. “Nine hours?”

Watanuki struggled with his coat buttons until Doumeki smacked his hands away and unbuttoned them himself. “Idiot. Are you trying to kill yourself?”

In truth, Watanuki hadn’t considered it one way or another, but given the way he had felt earlier he couldn’t honestly deny it either. Under the circumstances though, he thought it best to just stay quiet.

Disturbed by the lengthening silence coming from his friend, Doumeki pushed further, “What did you do to your leg? You’re limping.”

Watanuki breathed a sigh of relief at the change of subject and relayed his encounter with monster, rat, and unforgiving pavement.

Doumeki responded typically. “Idiot.”

Idly, Watanuki wondered why it was that the usual insult suddenly seemed less provoking this evening than it ever had before; why it sounded less offensive and more as though Doumeki was expressing…relief?

Exasperated with watching Watanuki try to hop down the hallway, Doumeki picked him up and carried him into his bedroom. “We’ve got to warm you up. You’re freezing.” He wrapped Watanuki inside a thick blanket and then went to the kitchen to fetch some hot tea.

Now that he was warming up a bit, Watanuki started to feel just how cold he’d gotten and he began to shiver violently. He was tired and cold and hungry but he desperately wanted to put things to right before he did anything else.

Doumeki returned with the tea and Watanuki took it from him gratefully, hugging the cup between careful sips. The warmth of the cup stung, but it did help him, inside and out.

“I’ve also got a hot bath for you if you think you can stand it,” Doumeki offered.

The fall in the alley had left Watanuki rather filthy and he grimaced at the thought of jumping into a bath with so much dirt on him. “I really need to wash up first. Maybe by then I’ll be ready for the bath.” Setting aside his cup and blanket, Watanuki tried to stand and winced sharply.

“The cold probably numbed your ankle,” Doumeki inferred as he helped his friend to his feet.

“Y-yeah, I g-guess s-so,” Watanuki replied through chattering teeth. Now that he was missing his blanket and warm drink, the shivers were returning with a vengeance.

Doumeki picked him up, mindful of the injured ankle around doorways, and carried him to the bath. “This might make your ankle feel worse, but we have to warm you up.”

Setting Watanuki onto a stool, Doumeki began to carefully undress the other man in the bathroom’s steamy heat. 

Watanuki closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling with a small measure of guilt. They were supposed to be talking, he was supposed to be apologizing; instead he was indulging in the comforting feel of Doumeki’s hands as they stripped him naked and started to wash him.

Doumeki used slow, gentle motions as he passed the warm, soapy sponge over each area of Watanuki’s body. The warm water ran sensuously over and down his skin and gradually the shivering slowed. While the heat itself felt good, it was Doumeki’s touch that truly warmed his heart. 

His body was also responding to his lover’s touch, Watanuki was embarrassed to notice. There was no way to hide his growing erection and no way Doumeki could have failed to notice it. Doumeki never acknowledged it, however, and finished his task without comment.

After he was rinsed off, Watanuki let Doumeki help him into the hot water of the small bath. His ankle was beginning to throb painfully, but he couldn’t deny how good the water felt on the rest of his body.

Once Watanuki was safely seated in the bath, Doumeki retrieved two yukatas, one for each of them. Setting one aside for Watanuki, he stripped out of his own wet clothes, changed into the second robe, and left the room.

Doumeki returned a few moments later with a fresh cup of hot tea and placed it on the stool within arm’s reach of the bath. Grabbing a second stool, he sat next to the bath and stared at Watanuki. “Why did you come here tonight?” he asked without warning.

His teeth might not have been chattering anymore, but Watanuki was still having difficulty with words. “I needed to apologize. I wanted to find out the truth and see what you wanted to do about…” Not able to finish the thought, Watanuki raised one hand from the steaming water and gestured between himself and Doumeki.

“My feelings haven’t changed,” Doumeki started, “but where we go from here depends on how you feel, and you haven’t shared that with me yet.” He seemed to be about to say something else, but then shook his head and stood up. “If you’re planning on spending the night…” he let the question hang in the air until he saw Watanuki nod, “then I should go make up the bed. Call me when you’re ready to get out and I’ll give you a hand.”

When the door closed behind Doumeki, Watanuki uttered a growl of frustration and smacked himself on the head with a wet hand. It wasn’t going badly at all, he thought, but he also felt as though he was failing in his self-appointed mission to put things right. ‘If only I weren’t so tired and muddle-headed, then maybe…’

The noise of the bathroom door startled him awake and Watanuki realized that he’d fallen asleep in the bath. 

Doumeki helped him maneuver out of the bath, towel off, and then dress in the borrowed yukata. After carrying him back to the room, Doumeki placed Watanuki on the futon, draped a blanket over his shoulders, and started to bandage his sprained ankle.

“It doesn’t look too bad, but it’ll probably hurt for a few days.”

Eyes starting to droop again, Watanuki mumbled a quiet, “Thank you.”

When gentle hands pushed him to lie down on the futon and tucked him in, Watanuki didn’t fight it. He was half asleep, but knew that there was something he still had to do. Reaching out, he grabbed hold of Doumeki’s sleeve and pulled him down onto the futon next to him. 

Lightheaded and sleepy, Watanuki tossed aside his inhibitions and curled around the larger man’s form as best he could. He drank in Doumeki’s warmth and scent and fought to think. ‘Doumeki…can’t forget…must do…must say…something.’

Forcing open bloodshot eyes, Watanuki managed to focus on the man staring down at him for a few seconds and whispered, “Love you,” just before sleep finally claimed him for good.

Doumeki, propped on one elbow, looked down at Watanuki’s exhausted face as he slept. He looked bad.

Doumeki kicked himself mentally, ‘I should have known that no matter what the problem was, he’d take it out on himself.’ 

Reaching out, he grabbed the edge of the comforter and pulled it up over both of them. He considered getting up to turn off the light, but decided it wasn’t worth disturbing Watanuki. His lover was clinging to him tightly, even in his sleep, and Doumeki would never be able to slip away without waking him. 

Easing further down onto the soft mattress, Doumeki inched closer to Watanuki, and indulged himself in the nearness of the one he loved. Gently, he worked one arm under Watanuki’s neck and shoulders and then pulled to position him snugly against Doumeki’s left side.

Doumeki cradled his lover in his arms and, with his nose buried in Watanuki’s hair, breathed in his scent. Closing his eyes, Doumeki tried to put his own mind at rest and chase Watanuki into dreams.

The day had been a nightmare for him. When Watanuki had come over the night before and initiated sex, it had seemed like a dream come true. Doumeki had spent the entire day wracking his brain, trying to think what might have changed his beautiful, naked lover into the frightened and devastated boy who’d fled into the cold night from their still warm bed.

It had been hell having a taste of his perfect dream, only to have it torn away. In the end he had turned to the archery range, desperate to find a way to quiet his screaming mind; and it had worked until Himawari’s arrival.

Reaching up with his right hand, Doumeki fussed at the bandage that covered the stinging cut and finally tore it off. Five tiny stitches interrupted the plane of his face and annoyed him with their unyielding tugging. Doumeki opened his eyes, tossed the bandage to the side, and then returned his attention to his partner’s sleeping face. 

Calloused fingertips moved lightly over Watanuki’s face as Doumeki tried to ease away the lines of tension he saw. Unable to resist, he ran one fingertip over the lips so close to his own. He wanted to go to sleep, needed to sleep, but feared losing Watanuki in the night a second time. 

As beautiful as this moment was – falling asleep beside this man – what he wanted most was to wake up next to him. With resolve, Doumeki closed his eyes. There was no point in speculating, he thought. It was out of his hands and up to Watanuki now.

***

 

A draft of cold air brushed past Doumeki’s face and woke him to a dark bedroom and an empty bed. Crossing his arms over his face, he cursed loudly. “Damn it! Not again!”

He flung his arms out to the side and detected a lingering warmth on the futon where Watanuki had lain. ‘Not so long ago then, maybe I can still catch him,’ he thought.

Doumeki stood up and switched the light back on so that he could find his slippers. They’d gone awry when Watanuki pulled him into bed and he wasn’t exactly sure where they might have landed.

He squinted as the bright light flickered on and saw a pair of slippers; familiar, but not his own. A quick scan of the room revealed Watanuki’s clothing, neatly folded and still lying where he had placed it while Watanuki soaked, and the slippers that his lover usually wore. Doumeki’s house slippers were missing.

‘He couldn’t leave without his clothes,’ Doumeki thought. 

Just then, he heard a faint sound coming from the hallway. Ignoring the cold floor under his bare feet, Doumeki padded down the hall and found the lights on in the kitchen. From the entranceway, he could see Watanuki, wearing Doumeki’s too large slippers, and standing over the stove.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Intent as he was on the pot of dashi on the stove, Watanuki hadn’t heard Doumeki’s approach and was startled. His hand jumped and he splashed some of the liquid onto himself.

“Umm, sorry,” he stammered as he used his borrowed apron to mop up the liquid on his hand. “Did I wake you?”

“Not exactly. Did you burn yourself?” Doumeki asked.

“Oh no, it wasn’t hot yet. I’d just gotten it started.” Busy wiping up his mess, Watanuki missed the look of relief on Doumeki’s face.

“And why exactly are you starting breakfast at,” Doumeki paused to look at the clock, “four thirty in the morning?”

“I woke up and needed to, umm, you know…” Watanuki gestured down the hall toward the toilet. “Too much tea, I suppose.”

“What about your ankle? Why didn’t you wake me up so that I could help you?” Doumeki asked.

Watanuki’s cheeks tinged pink as he remembered waking up draped over and around his friend. He had been warm, comfortable, and very, very aroused. Any thoughts he might have had about waking Doumeki disappeared immediately when Watanuki discovered his morning erection. 

It might have taken Watanuki’s brain a while to realize his feelings for Doumeki, but his body apparently had no such problems. So, ankle or no, he would rather make his way to the bathroom on all fours if necessary than suffer that embarrassment.

“My ankle wasn’t too bad,” he answered somewhat truthfully, “and you were sleeping so peacefully. I just didn’t want to wake you. Afterward I was too awake to get back to sleep, and I figured as long as I was up I could at least get a few things ready for breakfast. So, I turned off the bedroom light and came in here.”

By this time, the water was getting close to boiling, so Watanuki turned off the heat and removed the piece of konbu from the pot.

Doumeki looked around the kitchen. The rice cooker was set up and the vegetables were on the cutting board, but nothing else had been started or turned on. Now that the stove was off…

Doumeki walked forward purposefully and grabbed Watanuki’s wrist just as he was reaching for the pickled plums. “Come on,” he said, pulling his lover along, “we’re going back to bed. It’s too damn early and you need the sleep whether you know it or not.”

Watanuki hopped forward three steps on his good ankle to avoid falling on his face as Doumeki dragged him back to bed. Once in the room, he looked down at the futon with a mixture of excitement and fear.

“Go ahead and get in. I’ll get the light,” Doumeki offered.

Hesitantly, Watanuki moved forward and crawled back into bed. Once under the quilt, he rolled onto his left side. It wasn’t a comfortable position for his left ankle, but he couldn’t afford to lie facing Doumeki on the off chance that his body would react again. 

Even though his friend had said his feelings hadn’t changed, the truth was that Doumeki had yet to make a move on him, even after the incident in the bath. In light of that, Watanuki wasn’t so sure about the other man’s real feelings. Perhaps his opinion of Watanuki as a friend hadn’t changed, but if he never intended to act on his deeper feelings again…Watanuki couldn’t blame him, but he wanted to spare both of them the embarrassment of having to face the rejection.

The light went off and Watanuki felt the cushioned mattress shift slightly as Doumeki slid into the futon next to him. Doumeki was right, he was tired, but as tense as he felt right now, Watanuki was certain he’d never get to sleep. His ankle throbbed and he’d pulled muscles in his shoulder and back in the fall. 

The warm bath had helped relax him enough to fall asleep before, but now he was too awake to ignore the stiffness or the warmth that let him know just how close Doumeki was. Knowing that they were only inches apart, Watanuki gritted his teeth against the torture of his aching need for Doumeki’s love. 

Suddenly, Doumeki reached out his right arm and tentatively put it around Watanuki’s waist. Like balm for his soul, Doumeki’s arm drained some of the tension away from Watanuki and he exhaled a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. 

“Can you sleep?” Doumeki asked.

“Not yet,” Watanuki answered honestly.

“What is it?” Doumeki thought Watanuki was probably starting to think too much again. Finding him in the kitchen at 4:30 wasn’t a good sign. Still, it could just be that his ankle was bothering him, and that at least Doumeki could do something about. 

“I…” he started and then faltered. ‘I’m worried,’ thought Watanuki, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Doumeki sighed, ‘Not the ankle.’ Inching forward, Doumeki fitted himself against Watanuki’s back and pulled their bodies together tightly with his right arm. “Let it go,” he urged. “Unless you’re in pain, whatever it is can wait until morning.”

Watanuki did hurt, but the feeling of having Doumeki spooned up behind him was so wonderful he wanted to cry. There was no way he’d ask the man to move from that position just for a few aspirin. Still, he didn’t want to lie anymore.

“It’s not too bad. I’m just starting to notice some of the bumps and bruises from the fall, I guess.”

Doumeki nodded. “You’ll be stiff and sore for a few days, but you need the sleep. Should I get you some medicine or would you rather have a massage?”

Old habits are hard to break and Watanuki found himself shaking his head ‘no’ almost before Doumeki had the question out. “Please don’t trouble yourself,” he voiced quietly.

Doumeki propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Watanuki’s shadowy form in front of him illuminated only by the vague moonlight that penetrated the window. “I thought we were beyond all of this. When will you learn to take help when you need it?”

Doumeki was tired and his patience for Watanuki’s martyrdom was wearing thin. He heard an echo of Yuuko’s voice in his memory, a conversation when she urged him, “Get angry and teach him. And that way, little by little, he’ll change.” He was angry with Watanuki that day and he was angry with him now. His words came as a soft, intense growl in the still room.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. Seeing you hurt hurts me. This isn’t a debt, Watanuki. It’s not pity or obligation. It’s love and you don’t keep score. There is no you and me anymore, there’s us, and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for us.” Having said his peace, Doumeki stopped and hovered silently over Watanuki.

Reaching over his right side, Watanuki’s hand found Doumeki’s and grabbed onto it. He tugged it forward and over his chest, silently urging Doumeki to lie down and hold him.

‘Is it as simple as that?’ he asked himself. This feeling of wanting to balance the scales, was it just him misinterpreting his own desire to do things for Doumeki?

“Don’t leave,” Watanuki whispered into the darkness.

It wasn’t exactly an answer to the question he’d asked, but Doumeki thought it was a good start. “I won’t leave,” he said quietly in reply. Gently tugging his right arm back, he pushed himself upright again and began to lightly massage the back of Watanuki’s neck.

There was a great deal of tension there, but Doumeki was gratified to feel how quickly Watanuki was letting it go. Before long, the tight muscles Doumeki could reach on Watanuki’s neck and shoulders yielded. Soft and pliant now under his hands, he heard Watanuki making small groans of approval. 

When the sounds changed from happy moans to sleepy murmurs, Doumeki reached forward and gently removed Watanuki’s glasses. Watanuki had let himself become so agitated that he’d forgotten to take them off and would be even more upset if they broke. Carefully, Doumeki folded them shut and put them on the floor over their heads where they would be safe before lying down and putting both arms back around Watanuki to pull him tight against his chest and hips.

Maybe now they would both be able to sleep, he thought. Watanuki was quiet and relaxed in his arms and, hopefully, reassured about their relationship. Doumeki closed his tired eyes and smiled. It wasn’t exactly waking up and finding Watanuki in his bed, but finding him in the kitchen was good, too. It meant Watanuki had intended to stay until morning and it also meant Doumeki could look forward to a nice big birthday breakfast.

***

 

Watanuki blinked sleepy eyes and squinted in front of him, trying to find his glasses. He reached forward to see if he could feel them nearby and was stopped by an arm around his middle. It took a moment for him to remember that this was not his futon and not his apartment.

“Good morning.” Doumeki’s voice was deep and husky and very, very close.

“Good morning,” Watanuki answered tentatively. He tried to keep his voice level, but the sound of those two words from Doumeki was already doing things to him. Like a key to his libido, there was something about that voice that affected him deeply.

“If you’re looking for your glasses, I have them up here.” Doumeki released Watanuki and reached for the spectacles. As he handed them over, he explained, “You didn’t take them off when we went back to bed this morning and fell asleep with them on.”

Watanuki took the glasses and uttered, “Thank you,” but didn’t put them on. Thoughts and feelings washed over and through him. This marked a critical place in their relationship, he knew that instinctively, and Doumeki would not make this decision for him. It was up to Watanuki now and it was time to choose. 

If he put on those glasses, it meant he was off to the kitchen, a place where he could gain physical and emotional distance. If he put the glasses down, he was sending a clear message to Doumeki that he wished to stay in the bed with him even knowing that they were both awake. 

Watanuki stretched out his right arm and put the glasses down off the edge of the futon just in front of him.

As his fingers let go, Watanuki felt something break free in his soul. He turned in Doumeki’s embrace and crushed his lips over his lover’s. He wanted this, he wanted more, he wanted it all…he wanted Doumeki.

Doumeki returned Watanuki’s fierce kiss and tried to keep himself in control. He wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. He vowed that he would always know what Watanuki wanted so that they would never be hurt this way again. It was several minutes, though, before Doumeki could convince Watanuki to stop long enough for him to catch a breath.

“Slow down. There’s no rush,” he panted.

“But there is,” Watanuki protested. He tried to kiss Doumeki again but was held at arm’s length. “I’ve wasted so much time that I can never get back. I want to give you what you give me. I want to feel your love for me and learn how to give you pleasure in return. I want to know what it feels like to really be in love, to make love, to make love with you. I want to look in your eyes and know where I belong. Can’t you understand?”

Doumeki smiled. He had his answer. He tossed off the comforter and reached for the belt of Watanuki’s yukata. The fabric belt slid away easily and Doumeki parted the fine cotton that had shielded his lover’s body from view. ‘Beautiful,’ he thought, ‘and all mine.’

With a possessive growl, Doumeki leaned forward and used his lips and teeth to mark his lover as his own. Kissing and nipping at tender skin and erogenous zones, Doumeki left a trail of marks down Watanuki’s neck and chest, over his stomach and thighs. Doumeki sat back and looked over his handiwork before leaning forward again and taking Watanuki’s cock into his mouth.

Watanuki moaned with delight and voiced his pleasure at every small action. Even the smallest thing felt so good when it came from Doumeki. When he felt the incredible warmth and suction of Doumeki’s mouth he wanted the feeling to go on forever, but he also wanted to try to give back what he was experiencing.

Tugging on Doumeki’s hair, he pushed at his shoulder and encouraged him to sit up. Watanuki sat up as well and untied the belt of Doumeki’s robe. Wasting no time, he tugged off the garment and threw it to the side before twisting to push Doumeki down onto the futon. 

Their positions reversed, Watanuki took time to look over his lover’s body. Archery had given Doumeki amazing muscles in his arms and chest and Watanuki ran his fingers over and around each one. Doumeki lay quietly under him, content, it seemed, to let him explore. Watanuki looked at Doumeki’s rare smile and melted all over again. He wanted to give so much to this man. He wanted to hear him moan.

Settling between Doumeki’s legs, Watanuki bent forward and dipped his tongue into Doumeki’s navel. The gasp of breath and quivering of muscles was gratifying, but he wanted more. He moved to Doumeki’s left hip and licked and sucked until a bruise formed. 

Doumeki’s groans were gaining in volume and Watanuki wondered if a man could become addicted to the sound. He wanted more and more and tested every area he could think of, mapping Doumeki’s body and committing it all to memory. 

Still unsatisfied with his progress, Watanuki contemplated the proud cock that rose before him. Doumeki’s erection was as impressive as the man himself. A new experience in a week of new experiences, Watanuki opened his mouth and gave a tentative lick to the weeping tip.

He’d been afraid to try, but Doumeki’s reactions seemed to indicate that he was doing just fine. He was careful and used a hand to help him take the length in without choking. It took some getting used to, but soon Watanuki was lapping and sucking enthusiastically and even risked scraping his teeth over the head once or twice. It had been an accident the first time, but Doumeki’s reaction seemed to indicate that it was pleasurable if done gently.

“Watanuki…stop,” Doumeki groaned out between clenched teeth.

Watanuki released the length from his mouth and sat up quickly, panicked that he’d done something wrong. 

Doumeki shook his head no and pulled Watanuki up for a spine tingling kiss. “It’s okay. You were good, a little too good. If you’d kept going, you would have made me come and I don’t think that’s what you wanted this time.”

Watanuki was a little disappointed. It would have been wonderful to hear Doumeki scream out an orgasm from something he’d done and he vowed to try to repeat that soon, but Doumeki was right. This time, at least, he wanted Doumeki to take him. He wanted to share that bliss with his lover while Doumeki was buried deep inside him.

Watanuki looked into inquiring eyes and nodded his head before leaning forward and placing a small row of kisses down Doumeki’s jaw line. 

Doumeki tilted his head back and indulged in a few more moments of attention on his neck before rolling them both over and standing to fetch the lube and condoms. When he returned to the futon, he squeezed the cool gel out onto his fingertip and asked, “Are you sure you aren’t too sore for this?” It hadn’t been that long ago and being Watanuki’s first time he was bound to be somewhat sensitive still.

Watanuki closed his eyes and visualized the finger he could feel circling his entrance. He pushed down slightly, willing Doumeki to stop teasing and start prepping him. Once the first finger had penetrated him, Watanuki could answer honestly, “Not that sore, not enough to stop. Just…go slow.”

Doumeki nodded. He would always be careful with his precious lover, but he was especially careful this time to stretch slowly and thoroughly and use more lube than necessary. They would have a sticky mess to clean up later, but this was far more important to them both.

Doumeki withdrew his fingers and reached for the towel he’d brought along to wipe off the lube. Watanuki watched as he put down the cloth and started to retrieve a condom.

“You don’t have to do that, you know?” Watanuki looked at Doumeki as he spoke. “I’ve never been with anyone else, so you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Doumeki looked at Watanuki and was puzzled. “But, you brought them. I thought you wanted me to use them.” He sat back on his heels and continued. “I’ve never been with anyone either, but we’ve never talked about it so why change your mind now?”

“I didn’t bring them because I was worried about you…I just happened to have bought them at the same time because…” ‘Oh,’ Watanuki thought, ‘will that day never stop plaguing my life?’ “When I was in the drugstore trying to get the lube…it was just easier somehow to get both.”

Finally catching on, Doumeki tossed aside the condom and leaned down to kiss his flustered partner. “Sweet idiot,” he whispered. “I love you.”

Doumeki reached down with his right hand and pushed Watanuki’s left leg carefully up and to the side. Shifting his weight, he put Watanuki’s leg on his shoulder and leaned on his right arm before using his left hand to line himself up. Keeping eye contact, he said again, “I love you,” and then pushed slowly forward.

Watanuki was torn between wanting to close his eyes and wanting to watch every moment of this time they were sharing with each other. It felt so good to his body, but now he was discovering that his heart had a big place in all this as well.

When Doumeki was fully seated inside his body, Watanuki pulled him forward and hugged him tightly. “I love you, too.”

True to his promise, Doumeki used easy, gentle strokes and built their passions slowly. This wasn’t a race to a passionate finish, but a coupling of emotions and mingled bodies and while the night before had felt amazing, Watanuki believed this kind of love-making was just as good.

Watanuki opened his body and his heart to his lover and felt a connection with Doumeki that went beyond anything they had done before. It was true that they shared an eye, but this sharing was a different kind of vision altogether. He saw for the first time, with true clarity, the depth of his feelings for Doumeki and Doumeki’s were now plain to him as well. 

There was a portion of his mind that still felt overwhelmed by the depth of those feelings and the incredible responsibility that a love like that carried, but he embraced it all the same. Whatever happened, wherever they went from here, they went together.

Doumeki reached forward and began to stroke Watanuki’s cock, a sign that he was getting close to his own completion. Watanuki used his good leg for leverage and added to the thrusts, deepening the penetration. Before long, both men were groaning aloud and watching as their partner’s face was transformed in bliss by the sweetest release.

Collapsing on top of Watanuki, it took Doumeki a few moments to catch his breath and rally enough strength to roll to the side. He’d been extra careful of Watanuki’s bad ankle and it had required more strength than he thought to go that slowly and control his movements.

“Are you,” Doumeki started to ask.

He was silenced by Watanuki’s lips covering his and kissing him. When he pulled back, Watanuki answered the unasked question. “Happy. Right now, I’m happy, but ask me again in ten or fifteen minutes.”

Doumeki smiled. That was his Watanuki. In fifteen minutes, he’d be bitching up a storm about every little bump and bruise and then flying to the kitchen to cook enough food for five people, but for now he truly was happy. Doumeki felt a swell of pride at the knowledge that he’d brought that happiness to the quiet boy who’d lost so much and vowed that he’d spend the rest of his life trying to repeat that happiness over and over again.

Doumeki cradled his lover under his chin, hugged him tightly and willed his stomach to stop growling. Fifteen minutes might come sooner than they all thought.

 

OMAKE: …and later that day, somewhere in a little shop across town, two rat spirits handed over a roll of film as payment and received a bag of catnip and an enchanted collar with a bell to fulfill their wish.  
Once her customers had left, Yuuko wandered to her divan. “And as for you, Watanuki Kimihiro,” she gathered her robes and sat down comfortably. “For a half day off of work and advice that saved your love life,” she paused in her speech and held up the small roll of exposed film between her thumb and forefinger, “this ought to do quite nicely as payment.”  
Yuuko threw her head back and laughed an evil laugh and back at the temple, Watanuki felt a cold shiver that he couldn’t explain.


End file.
